An introduction to my [in]sanity

Words doesn't make sense to me att all. Speaking doesn't make sense to me at all. Most all the time it is a very effort for me to try an communicate to people around me. In reality we are speaking the same language, be it english or afrikaans, but in my mind it's really all just part of an alien language. anything that contains word is very unnatural to me.

Now I know what you're thinking now, why the hell do I have a blog then. Simple, it's easier to try and logically explain what is going on in my mind and what my thought are, when I'm not describing them to a real person. People tend to make my forget how to use words.

Now You're think, oh she's one of those awkward shy girls, lives alone with 5 cats in her appartment in the city. Works at a big company in a tiny little cubical, where nobody ever notices her. Quite pretty, but very unstylish which hides the fact that she's quite pretty. Wears glasses and never looks people in the eyes. 

Actually the only thing that's true about me of all of the above is that I actually do wear glasses, but no, I'm not shy. I have a very good career as a bookkeeper for a small law firm. I have a dog and a boyfriend, and we together with my best friends brother (who is gay and an artist and my mirror personality wise) and his two cats in a duplex appartment, close to the city. I'm very loud and it seems to others that I always speak my mind, kind of the spotlight at all times. I'm not super hot though, a bit chubby (but I'm working on that) and my style resembles Ugly Betty's quite allot (or so I get told). Over all, I'm an artist and a scorpio, and that is how the world sees me.

Now that you have a fair idea of what my mask looks like, i'll give you a peak underneath it.

I hate my life. All I'm ever trying to do is explain to people my opinions on matters and my thoughts on all kinds of topics, and the only reaction I ever get is that I'm insane. Yes, I am a little insane, but personally I think I'm a good amount of insane, a healthy amount. The problem is not that they really think I'm insane, I mean I know they think that they really think I'm insane, but if they could only actually understand what I am saying, they would believe me to be not very different from themselves.

But that's what I don't know how to do. My mind is full of these images that makes up my langauge, for every word I hav every heard, there is a picture in my mind for. Thats easy, if I've heard the word before, I know that that is the word to describe te picture I'm seeing. But sometimes I have picture in my head that I have no idea how to describe, and I almost always fail when I try. That's when people start looking at me funny.

Even my own boyfriend hardly understands a single word that comes from my mouth. And he openly admits it.

I just want somebody to understand me and I'm crying out to the world, somewhere there has to be somebody that can understand my senseless ranting.

I just don't know anymore...